The Blackberry Passport

As promised, Skip agreed to provide a review of his new phone, the Blackberry Passport. Persuading him was easy, given his excitement for the product, and I merely caught him one weekend morning after a couple of  coffees. His favorite topic provided the perfect outlet for his over-caffeination.  

Here it goes: 

A 1972 Allied Model Integrated Stereo Amplifier pushing 195 watts per channel through some massive Optimus 4 way speakers isn't strictly necessary to fill even your oversized great room with sound.  But, it's nice to know that power -- and that gleaming walnut cabinet -- is still there.

It reminds you of a time when things were built to do a job, those things did the job, and nobody asked you if wanted to "avail yourself" of the "Buyer Protection Plan."

The Passport from Blackberry is like that.  It does its jobs, it does them well, and it doesn't ask for your undue attention and adulation in doing them.  In this way, I think it's the perfect phone for the already highly irritated late 20th Centrury modern American male.  The ones who, like me, are just looking for a moment or 2 of peace, fer [crying out loud]!  And, of course, the ability to make fun of your buddies who aren't getting that.  How does the Passport do these things?  Let us count the ways.

First, the Passport does the first and most important job of a phone.  It makes and places calls...easily.  With a combination of class-leading Paratek antenna technology, Blackberry Natural Sound, and a QUAD ARRAY of military grade background noise suppressing microphones built in ([Man]!  That was a satisfying list to recite.  I mean, contrast that to some Apple sunshine and unicorn speak about connections being "more clear than ever!"), this fella can make calls from the middle of his buddies' underground beer brewing bunker, surrounded by rotating cock fights and MMA qualifying rounds, all while purring in Momma's ear that "of course I'll be home to take Miffy out" in "just a few."

Then, the Passport does what this good citizen of corporate America needs it to do.  It places me INSIDE the heavily fortified walls that IT has constructed, the ones that -- let's face it -- have proven to be as effective at keeping its own employees out as letting various hackers in.  When the Passport does this, and it lets me actually see and use the things the way this world runs?  Which is to say by Microsoft Outlook and Office, it means, what exactly?

It means I'm not logging in and out of multiple [stupid] things all day.  Apps!  What good are these @$#^@#$%!%& APPS?  When are they going to make an APP that will paint my house?  Cut the grass?  Listen to her stories?  Tell the kids it will be ok?  Automatically reallocate mutual fund choices based on performance?  Arrange for appropriate but not non-necessary orthodontia?  Reach out and remove the Cinnamon Cluster from my hand? Advise me that romance and kindness DO matter?

Breaching the walls means I have a file manager where I can save the last versions of documents all of the chiming-in nimrods have [messed] up in their precious "iterations."  These always start and end the same.  Endless orations from leadership about how we "don't need to boil the ocean," or "get too tactical."  Followed by endless requests from the same people if we can "drill down a bit," or "peel back the layers of the onion" to find if the "juice is worth the squeeze."

It means I can see where newly minted SVP "Graham" (first name) has a block on his (her?  who knows?  who remembers/cares?) calendar for when the "kids get home" (awww).  It means....I can invest the absolute minimum of duplication and rework in a world whose VERY existence was founded and dependent upon duplication and rework.

Used to be when you were done out e-mailing and out calendar'ing the yippers and panty-waists back in their cages, you'd take a minute in the Fayetteville Regional Airport's rattan seats and enjoy yourself some well-earned Brick Breaker.....Important aside: Hat tip to those [impressive] Canadian geniuses for everything about Brick Breaker!  I mean, has there ever been a better metaphor perpetuated on a societal group than corporate drones playing endless rounds of glassy-eyed airport gate "Brick Breaker?"  I don't think so, but open to counters.  Fill the comments, people!

Or, maybe you'd use your hard-earned/"because BB is so efficient" break to send a text over to that Georgia Bulldogs fan with a preview line of "Last Meaningful Game Played By Dawgs?" (Never gets old, works EVERY year).  I mean, it's not like you were going to BROWSE the INTERNET on this WORK TOOL, right?  And, loathe to anyone who dared suggest it.  "Surf the INTERNET?!?  Why don't you go do some actual work, you [crazy] goldbricking sheeple [people!!!!]"

Now -- now -- NOW, HOWEVER?  Oh, it's a brand new world.  First, the Passport has a 2.2 GHz Quad Core SnapDragon processor with 3GB of onboard RAM.  This is better than experience of using it to do that long-awaited browsing, i.e., Snarling at the Fanbois that while their previous "walled garden" doesn't "really need that much power" (sniff-sniff, "do you have any moisturizer?  It's SO dry in here, don't'cha think?") that you enjoy having it because you might need to monitor real time horsepower readings from your DODGE because it DOESN'T SEEM TO BE BREATHING AT THE TOP OF THE REV BAND LIKE YOU THOUGHT IT MIGHT WITH SEVEN HUNDRED AND SEVEN HORSEPOWER UNDER THE HOOD.

Whew.  Sorry.  Sorry!  Wrong review.  (Gotta get that [bob]cat. Why else am I working, cranking out these reviews and such?!?).

OK, what else?  What else do those professional Engadget type reviewers talk about?  Oh yeah.  The software.  Blackberry has theirs, just like all the rest.  Personally, I think it's all about what you're used to.  Although, I did see one feature that when I described it to a similarly situated buddy, his response went from "I'm barely listening while I'm surfing F250 diesel engine options" to "you now have my complete attention."

Specifically, when you get that little reminder telling you that it's time to dial in for a webex meeting, you see the usual choices on the reminder (along with the reflection in the glass of your soul dying).  But.  You also see this pictogram of a little man running.  Clicking it, you learn that you can tell either the organizers or the WHOLE ATTENDING CROWD that you are "running late" by 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes, etc.

Wait.  Is this reason enough to buy a different phone?  OF COURSE IT IS.  I've just automagically told all these people a couple different things:

1.  I'm more important than you are, as demonstrated by my running late, or at the very least, later than YOU.
2.  I'm so much more important that I don't even have time to tell you myself, personally, but had this little machine thingie do it for me.

I mean, honestly, the only thing remotely better would be to not have a phone at all.

Which, to that end, is still what the Blackberry does better than any phone.  It reduces the lag time between what you WANT and NEED to do and DOING IT.

It does it by applying a relentless empathy to its target audience (working professional) and engineering elegant/comprehensive/simple to operate solutions that get jobs done.

AND, just as the American buyer has NOT abandoned the most important and profitable segment of the auto industry for the Toyota Tundra, Nissan Frontier or any other pretenders, my sisters and brethren in these situations are going to awake, they are going to see, and they are going to come Back to Black.

...................................................................................................................................................................

Skip kept meaning to come back to this review and craft a conclusion, but we both decided that ending on the "Back to Black" tag line was best. Speaking of, we are dumfounded as to why they have not purchased rights to use "Back in Black" for a campaign. 

My rebuttal to the review are the following points: 

1) When Skip first showed me the Blackberry video overview of the new Passport, I asked, in total seriousness, "Is this a parody?" While Apple really overdoes the drama with their events, Blackberry could use a little more polish since the video is actually a commercial for its latest product. Blackberry's video looks like two people in the cubicles next to you filmed a segment on their phones and posted it to YouTube.

2) When he first began using the Blackberry and his emails bore the "sent from my Blackberry Passport" stamp, he received MANY responses of the, "Is Blackberry still AROUND?" variety. "Do you REALLY have a BLACKBERRY?" they would ask incredulously.  "They still exist??!!!"

For the record and as Skip can attest, I am pulling for Blackberry; I really am. It just happens to be a sinking ship, and it's best not to climb aboard. 

3) He became very excited over this week's Apple rumor that they may be purchasing Blackberry. 

4) While he loves the device for work (and honestly I don't blame him; the interface with corporate tools is unmatched), he continues to use his iPad for personal use.  Ahem. I rest my case. 

Finally, I edited/censored a few colorful words in the above review. Edited portions are denoted with brackets, such as these:  [...].